Friday, January 20, 2006

Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?

I took a break from all forms of writing recently. Mainly needed to get my head together--or at least parts of it back. Sometimes I feel I'm fooling myself. I dream about finishing my book, starting a worthy writing career and moving my life into a worthwhile direction. I also try to learn new tech programs to advance my career in case the writing doesn't work out. But I wonder if I'll ever actually do any of this, or if they're just pipe dreams. I enjoy watching television and renting movies, much more so than writing or learning programs. And I've been doing a lot of it lately.

I bought the Band of Brothers box set on E-Bay a few weeks ago. I truly love that series. Though I'd never want to experience the life-threatening hardships that those soldiers went through, I feel I'll never experience the permanent bonding and comradeship of those men. I've made a lot of friends in life, but have lost touch with most of them. I have no bonding experiences with anyone. There was great bonding with my backpacking trips around the world, especially those in the third world, but I've lost contact with most. I get a few sporadic e-mails and phone calls from a couple of people, but most are gone for good. And maybe that's the problem with society today. We feel isolated and disconnected. Most of us don't have a special bonding. Or at least that's how I feel.

This could be why I've lost my inspiration to write. My life seems meaningless and directionless at the moment. I have no fire. For example, Sera and I have never been happier since we moved to Orlando. We have no desire to ever return to the Northeast. But one of Sera's friends is looking into the possibility of getting Sera a job at her company back North. The salary was too good to turn down: 3.5 times her current salary. We didn't even have to think about it. If Sera gets it, she's gone. And if it works out for her up there I'll be back as well. So no matter how happy we are down here we'd be willing to sell our selves for more money--like selling our souls to the devil.

I'm lacking passion right now. And inspiration. I'm happy down here but I'm willing to return to an area I loathe for more money. What does that say about myself?

I want to continue with my book but I just don't feel it right now.


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